Another super-fantastic episode of LOST last night. My shake-n-bake came out PERFECT. Juicy and tender with that signature spicy aroma. Then things got even better after the third commercial when I remembered I had a few Anchor Steam porters in the fridge.

The biggest question on my mind though as Kate was abducting Miles to go talk to Ben while Locke and Sawyer went searching for them at the boathouse was, would the beers be cold enough to enjoy? I left them in the car for a week and just put them in the fridge around noon.

They were cold enough! Rejoice.

It’s always sweet when the episode centers around Kate, which is not often enough.  I’d prefer she was the only survivor they just showed her bathing and swimming and masturbating all the time.  But I understand the need for other characters to progress the story along.

The latter half of the show had me riveted. Turns out Kate cleans up pretty nice for her trial. And I was “flying” from slamming three porters in 10 minutes. The end was a little disappointing, however, when I ran out of porter.

LOST PREDICTIONS FOR NEXT WEEK:
More shake-n-bake and porter.

I am glad I saw Stanhope perform at Club Deluxe last weekend.  I was glad to see my friend Justin Scales open for Stanhope too.  One of the funniest moments was when Scales left the stage all cocky, then had to whimper back to grab his sweatshirt that he forgot on stage.  Stanhope called him out on it and hilarity ensued.

However, despite a riveting performance, I left the show feeling glad it was over.  I was happy to no longer be surrounded by 100+ Stanhope fans in very close quarters, a large percentage of which seemed to rejoice with every Stanhope bit like he was the nihilist messiah.  There were fists in the air pounding in rhythm as Stanhope denounced the value of human life.  There were tattooed, long bearded losers bowing in “we’re not worthy”-ness at the notion that the planet has no use for 65 year old mothers.  There were sincere gasps as Stanhope recounted having to flush a bag of shrooms down the toilet (or something like that).

What I like about Stanhope is his ability to convey his beliefs convincingly, honestly, and in a very funny way.  What I don’t like about Stanhope are his most extreme fans.  They just seem like scumbags to me.  Hopefully there were others in the room who feel the way I do.  The world would be a pretty horrible place if it were only filled with people like Stanhope’s kool-aid drinking loyalists.

“He won those socks at the county fair playing ring toss with his daddy, and well, we was hoping to get that other sock back since it gone missing. He darn cried about it for days and I almost couldn’t take it no more.”

Mrs. Parker refrained to comment further when she became visibly upset while darning the missing sock.

Photo: The only Sears photo of the stupid kid that came out decent

“As soon as my buddy said Britney I knew I’d kill that ugly skank pig. But it was really fucking hard trying to pick between Paris and Lindsay. Lindsay’s got those righteous jugs, but then again she’s got hella nasty freckles. Paris would be good to fuck hard just to shut her the hell up. Heh. But seriously dude, Paris has all that cash, and so it was a practical thing, y’know?” said Tooley.

When buddy Ace presented the names of three of the Golden Girls, Tooley exclaimed “Aw man!! Dude, that’s sick! Hahaha! Gross!”.

Photo: Crazed Spears has her head transplanted onto man’s shoulder

“I opened The Closet for business in June 2006, just in time for the gay pride parade. Guys swarmed the place and we literally cleaned up. I was all ‘Hey boys! Come on in and enjoy!’. And enjoy they did.”

Adams had a steady stream of business for a few months, but soon realized he never saw the same faces returning.

“It was always new faces coming in, but never coming back. A guy will come here and drink, flirt, have fun, whatevers, but then once he comes out of The Closet, that’s it. There’s no return. It’s just so damned frustrating.”

Adams says he’s thinking about shutting down The Closet and sub-letting the space to clothier The Gap.

Photo: Adam’s always coordinates shirt and drink colors “in case of spills”

“It’s f**king shite” exclaimed Yorke, 38, as he attempted to install a new USB hardrive to back up some really choice photos.

Ironically, Yorke and Radiohead reached explosive heights of success with their 1997 release “OK Computer”, reaching #1 on the UK Album Charts.

“The bloody USB ports are all bloody jammed! It’s a brand f**king new computer!” continued Yorke.

Photo: Yorke is definitely not OK with his computer

“Bush should build a wall along the Mexican border to keep out illegal immigrants. And you know who’s gonna build that wall? The illegal Mexican immigrants, that’s who!” Spado exclaimed to a cheering crowd.

Spado’s crack about Spears’ VMA performance was a stunningly brilliant sight gag that we can’t really put into words, but trust us, it absolutely slaughtered the crowd.

Photo: Spado will be here all week.

Madam President then replaced the more than a thousand destroyed cigars with a cartload of fresh cigars she purchased personally at a Georgetown humidor.

“I saw the shrink-wrap come off the box with my own eyes” exclaimed a visibly relieved President Hillary Clinton.

First-husband President Bill Clinton will be allowed entry to the White House humidor so long as he enters alone and smokes ‘em while inside.

Photo: Hillary takes a break while searching under the oval office couch for old cigars

Photo: Craig bearfoot and pregnant

Ugly Betty	Ugly Betty’s Thumbnail

Why can’t hot chicks like me for me?! I swear to god, they are so freaking shallow. I am so sick of stooping down beneath my league. I deserve chicks that are so much hotter. It’s my right as a man. I have so much value to provide, I just wish hot chicks would give me the chance to provide it to them. I’m teeming with a really high-quality batch of charm, charisma, testosterone, good looks, and an unparalleled vibrant masculinity worthy of scientific study, and I feel like it’s all just going to waste. Curse you, Gloria Steinem!

For those in the “no” (i.e. in direct denial of technology), HTML is what fuels the internet, apparently. HTML is like the lettuce to the internet’s rabbit. A recent invention (circa 1963), HTML stands for “Hi There M’Lady” – the first four words ever typed into a computer (not counting punch cards). It is believed that the inventor of HTML, a stuffed dog toy known as Humphrey the Hound that came to life when a young Swedish girl sprinkled glitter on its hind quarters, felt very fondly for computer machinery in specific and in general, and regarded it as beautiful and “feminine”. Hence, Humphrey was addressing “her” (his computer) as “M’Lady”.

Photo: What HTML looks like when it’s angry Sometimes HTML can get pissy or quite enraged. This happens when website authors mispell stuff.

Armed with the knowledge of HTML, one can tell their computer to do anything one desires, in clear, succinct English (or similar dialect). For example, if I want to have a kick-ass website like CNN.com, I would create a file (a computer “manila folder” so to speak) with the text “have a kick-ass website like CNN.com, but call it ‘News You Can Use And Abuse Dot Org’”. Upload that manila folder to your local food server and VIOLIN! You have a kick-ass website.

Holy crap, technology is scintillating!

I saw a film today, so what.
Anyone can see a film.
All you gotta do is just sit there on your butt.